Attack of the Sue
by The Goliath Beetle
Summary: The Storm Hawks are faced with their greatest threat: Victoria-Celine Starlight Rainbow Lavender Sexy Chick. Oh, how will they ever get out of this one? *Major Mary-Sue bashing* Rated just to be safe.
1. Terra Facepalm's Secret Keeper

_Attack of the Sue_

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**A/N: Let's bash some Mary Sues! :D**

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_hii guyz! dis is ma frist stry, kay? so be nice ;)) _

Once upon a time there was a girl named Victoria-Celine Starlight Rainbow Lavender Sexy Chick. But everyone called her Jewel. (Don't ask why.) Jewel was very beautiful. She had beautiful red hair past her waist that glistened gold in the sunlight. She had beautiful eyes that changed colour from purple to blue to green to silver. She had a beautiful body and wore beautiful clothes and a beautiful voice that could tame the fiercest beasts.

One day, Victoria-Celine Starlight Rainbow Lavender Sexy Chick was ambushed by some Cyclonians in her home terra called Terra Facepalm. Terra Facepalm was a magical place with a huge, Atmos-shattering secret, and Jewel was the secret keeper, as her family had always been. (Thinking about her family made her want to cry.)

"Tell us the secret!" the Cyclonians roared. They took out their crystal staffs and zapped her with them. Jewel was injured and she fell. But she was brave. "i wil never tel u nything!" she said. Realising that Jewel was really beautiful, the Cyclonians lowered their weapons.

"You're very beautiful," one of them to her.

"I kno" she said. "evn if i dnt use propar grammer"

"Especially because you don't use proper grammar. Will you be my girlfriend?" said the other Cyclonian.

"no!" Jewel shrieked.

Angry and humiliated, the Cyclonians raised their weapons again to kill her.

Then out of nowhere (because that's how things worked in Terra Facepalm) a huge airship, the Condor, came up on the horizon and blasted the poop out of the Cyclonians. The Cyclonians ran away screaming, with the heroic and amazingly superbly awesomely original line, "WE'LL BE BACK!"

The Condor landed and this super hot sexy beast Sky Knight with red hair and green eyes stepped off it with his strange little blue weasel. Then this ugly know-it-all girl came behind him, followed with a stupid looking rhino-man and a stupider looking blonde boy. Then a creepy, smelly green lizard thing also came and twitched for no reason.

"My name is Aerrow!" said the red-headed sexy beast. "I have come to save you."

"cool m Victoria-Celine Starlight Rainbow Lavender Sexy Chick bt u cn call me Jewel cuz m that purty."

"YOU'RE SO BEAUTIFUL!" shouted the stupid blonde boy. He came up to her and said, "Will you be my girlfriend?"

"Y doz evry1 ask dat? No! I wont!"

Then the ugly girl's eyes widened. "Aerrow, guys, back away! I know what she is! She's a Mary Sue. Fabled to ruin everyone's lives and be the bane of fan fiction! There are so many in the canon universe as well! Bella Swan from Twilight, Piper McLean from Heroes of Olympus—"

"You look hurt," said the sexy beast Aerrow. His green eyes glimmered like emeralds in the sea of purple prose. "Come to the Condor. We will take care of you."

"Yes, we will!" said the stupid blonde boy. "My name is Finn, the Finnster, the Finn-Man!"

The green lizard guy twitched again. "Piper, what do we do? I've heard that these…Mary Sues…can lead to…_doom._"

"Only to the sexy main male characters," Piper responded grimly.

"And to the readers of fan fiction, plus the canon—"

"I know, Stork, thank you."

So they took Jewel to the Condor and fixed her up and she_ whined and whined and whined_ about being in lot of pain and then said that she was fine and she could deal with anything. Because that's the way, ah-ha, ah-ha, she likes this way, ah-ha, ah-ha. (And it was so _NOT_ attention seeking behavior, by the way.) The blue weasel came up to her and decided that she was awesome, along with Junko and Finn and Aerrow.

Only Piper and Stork remained unconvinced because they were too badass to fall for Mary Sues. (Unless it was a Stork/OC fic, obviously).

Suddenly, Jewel started crying. "Those Cyclonians wer vry scary n i cudnt do nything 2 protet maself! wht wud ma mothr hav said? O i mis ma mothr"

"What happened to her, my darling cherry-pie?" cooed Aerrow as he cradled her.

"Cyclonis killd hr whn i ws rly small n ma dad hd nvr been thr 4 me n i hav no1! No1 luvs me!"

"I love you," Finn said seriously.

"I love you too," said Aerrow.

"I love you the most!" said Junko.

And they started fighting amongst themselves to get the girl while Radarr gave running commentary. ("Chirp, chirp…CHIRP! CHIRP! RWAR! CHIRP!")

Stork, meanwhile, looked at Piper seriously. "We're so dead. So very, very dead."

Piper groaned. "Let's get them to stop fighting." And so Piper punched the poop out of Aerrow, Finn and Junko (what? She's awesome, okay?) and then looked disdainfully at Jewel. "Get off our ship, Mary Sue!"

Jewel burst into tears again. "No1 luvs me! m so sad!" She was so beautiful that even when she was crying, with snot running down her nose and her hair askew and her eyes red, she could have totally won the Miss Universe contest.

"My love, please don't cry," Aerrow declared. "Let me kiss those tears away." And they started to make out.

When they broke for air, Jewel said, "i hav a teribel secrte"

"What is it?" Aerrow said.

And so, with the room full of people she did not know, she told her big secret.

"i m teh secret keepr of Terra Facepalm!"

Everyone in the room gasped like it was a really bad courtroom drama. Piper jumped to her feet. "What's the secret?"

"its abt hw atmos ws created n hw to destry teh cyclonans"

"THE ULTIMATE SECRET!" screamed Piper. "Atmos' biggest mystery!"

With shock and horror, Stork realised that his only sane-minded ally had been warped by the Mary Sue.

"teh secrte iss…!"

_OMG, liekk, WAT a cliffy! Constructive critik totaaly welcom kay! no flamez, pls. Thanks! ;)) _

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**A/N: By the time I was done, my poor spell-check was so confused…I think I'm going to let it rest its poor tired head. XD Two-shot, so the next one should be up as soon as I know where to take this story.**


	2. Getting Rid of Sues For Dummies

**A/N: What a lovely response. Thank you, guys :D **

**All hail KTrevo for the idea that spawned this chapter. **

**All hail Gyroscope for the hilarious (and slightly X-rated ) thing that she mentioned that I will add to this story. (I almost died laughing when I read your review, by the way.)**

**And Monkey Punky: I know it's you, N. Interesting name you chose. And thanks for reviewing twice on the same chapter XD **

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_second chappie gaiz woooo! so wats gonna happn next? read on 2 find out ;PP_

Master Cyclonis' throne room was cold that day. She sat quietly, the Dark Ace on her right side, as she listened to her minions talk.

"She was the most beautiful girl we've ever seen," said Talon #1

"Yeah, and she was so brave. I think I'm in love with her," added Talon #2

"Ingrates," Dark Ace hissed. "Did she tell you the secret?"

"No, she stood up to us so that evil would never triumph," said the Talon #1 a little too dreamily.

The Master remained calm. It was a thoughtful, patient quiet, so you could almost hear her think. Finally, she said, "What did she look like, this secret keeper?"

Dark Ace's eyes went to Cyclonis, a small frown on his forehead. What was she up to?

"Oh, she had the longest, most beautiful red hair! It glinted gold in the sun."

"Let's not forget her _eyes! _How the changed colour from purple to blue to green to silver!"

"And she was sexy, man. With the fiercest breasts I ever saw."

Cyclonis winced. "Okay, I get it."

"Did you see her ass? DAYUM."

"Her voice was like music!"

"Her voice? Yeah and the way she moved…Like the wind! Free and joyous!"

Dark Ace glanced at Cyclonis and Cyclonis glanced back. That was his cue.

"Out. Get. Out," the Talon commander roared. He grabbed both by their collars and threw them out of the throne room. Quickly, he shut the door behind them.

"A Mary Sue," Cyclonis said once they were alone. "The secret keeper is a Mary Sue." She had a tired drawl to her tone, and it seemed to convey _'I'm getting too old for this shit'. _

"That can't be good. You know as well as I do that Mary Sues can't be destroyed. Even by our greatest weapons."

Cyclonis stood. "They're resistant to all forms of pain, lack any weaknesses or flaws, and can control your mind by their very presence." She sighed. "We have a problem."

It was right then that a resounding _BANG BANG BANG _filled the room. "Oi," someone yelled from outside, "Open this damn thing. Cyclonis, open up!"

"Who the—" the Master began.

The Dark Ace drew his sword and slowly reopened the door. His eyes widened and he raised his weapon to strike.

"Oh hold your horses," Stork muttered dryly. "I come in peace." With that suave Stork style, he pushed past the most dangerous Cyclonian general with not so much as a by-your-leave. "Hi," he told the Master. "I have a proposition for you."

"What are _you _doing here, merb?" she spat.

Stork sighed. "Let's all calm down, alright?" He looked at Dark Ace and then back to Master Cyclonis. "You wanted the secret keeper of Terra Facepalm, right?"

Cyclonis narrowed her eyes. "You have her?"

"No, she has us," Stork corrected slowly. "We picked her up when your Talons injured her."

"_Why _would you do that?" cried Dark Ace, forgetting his impotent rage for a moment. "She's a—"

"I know, a Mary Sue. Piper and I both knew that. But we were, um, outvoted."

Cyclonis smirked. "She gotten Aerrow to fall for her, hasn't she?"

"Yes ma'am. And Finn and Junko, and Radarr—which is just creepy."

"Figures," the main antagonist of the Storm Hawks show replied. "Aerrow _is _the sexiest male character in the show."

"I am offended by that," the Dark Ace muttered.

Both Cyclonis and Stork ignored him. The merb said, "I'd kill her—it's against the Storm Hawks way, but I'd do it—"

"—Except that she's totally resistant to any sort of attack."

"Precisely. So I've come here to deliver her to you."

The Cyclonians in the room fell silent.

"You'd just _GIVE _her to us?" the Dark Ace said finally.

"Without any catch whatsoever?" Cyclonis added.

"Yes, and yes." Stork put his hands on his hips. "All yours. Because she's screwing with everyone's minds."

Cyclonis was quiet for a whole minute after that. The offer in itself was tempting. But too easy. No, there had to be a catch. Ah. But there was. Obviously.

"No way," the Master said suddenly. "By giving her to us, you'll make it our problem. Knowing, full well, that we can't destroy her. Knowing that she will ruin our sense of reason and distract all my male Talons. Even having the secret won't help, then. She'll be our downfall. You're a smart merb, I'll give that to you. But I'm smarter."

Stork rolled his eyes. "You are one paranoid princess, aren't you? Jeez. Look, woman, I'm past the point of caring about this war. Alright? If I have to hear one more time about Victoria-Celine Starlight Rainbow Lavender Sexy Chick's poor, heart-wrenching backstory, if I have to see Aerrow and Victoria-Celine Starlight Rainbow Lavender Sexy Chick make out again, or see Junko, Finn and Aerrow fight for her again, or have Radarr give running commentary again, or have Piper talk about this big secret of Terra Facepalm again, _I will singlehandedly destroy all of Cyclonia and eat you for breakfast._"

It was a really good speech. The sort of thing presidents get elected on. So inspiring, so beautiful. What wonderful use of language. Shakespeare would be proud. The silence that fell between the three of them was long and dramatic.

"I am not taking the Mary Sue."

No matter. Stork was a diplomat.

"Okay. Don't. Let's do a deal. You find a way to get her off my ship—because the bitch ain't leaving—and I'll let you talk to her so you can figure out the secret. She almost told us but then she passed out. I think she did that to keep the dramatic tension thing going. And let's not forget that your Cyclonian Talons' staffs bruised her pretty badly. Funny, right? They can't be destroyed but they get hurt. I wonder why."

"They only get hurt so the guy they're pining for would take care of them, obviously," the Dark Ace said. "I mean, have you even _read _Twilight?"

"It disturbs me that you have," was the merb's curt reply.

"_Regardless," _Cyclonis said. "Your proposition makes sense." She sat back on her throne, her chin in her hand. "I think I know how to get rid of our Sue problem. It'll be dangerous…but there's no other way."

"Danger?" the Dark Ace laughed. "That's my middle name!"

"I thought your middle name was Bubba."

Stork snorted.

Cyclonis hid a smirk. "This is dangerous even for you, Dark Ace. It'll require diplomacy." She saw his expression change from surprise to horror. "There is one who can, um, take care of the Sue. But he's powerful." She paused, and as an afterthought, added, "And sort of handsome…" Her eyes glazed over.

"Gary Stu?" Stork cried. "No! NO! You're not bringing a Gary Stu aboard my ship! I already have a Mary Sue! I don't need another freak show!"

Cyclonis seemed to jump out of a daydream."Relax, merb. Mary Sues are born from the imaginations of fangirls who really need boyfriends and a bit of self-esteem. Thus a Mary Sue's sole purpose is to find love and to make people love her. She has high standards—you don't see Mary Sues falling for that sharpshooter boy of yours, for instance, and there is no higher standard in the world than a Gary Stu. If they meet, then they'll fall in love and leave us alone." The use of the 'us' did not go unnoticed.

"I agree with the merb, actually," the Dark Ace added. "I'm not going to go kidnap a Gary Stu."

"You can't kidnap him anyway. He'll have to come willingly. Like I said, he's too powerful to be taken down by force. And he won't come willingly because you're a man. You need a woman to come with you." The Master frowned. Which woman would she sacrifice?

"To be precise—the sexiest woman in the show. That's why Gary Stus exist, right? Male versions of Mary Sues?" asked Stork.

"That won't help," Cyclonis snapped. "I'm obviously the sexiest and I won't go get him. No way."

"Ravess is the sexiest," the Talon commander protested. Then he abruptly fell silent and blushed.

"You have a crush on Ravess?" Stork guessed, a grin slowly forming.

"I didn't say that!"

"He totally said it, didn't he, Cyclonis?"

Master Cyclonis grinned. "Yes, he totally did."

"Shut up!" the Dark Ace cried, lowering his eyes.

"She's totally out of your league, man," Stork said.

"I said shut up!"

"CONCENTRATE," snarled Cyclonis. "Merb, you listen to me—Dark Ace will go get the Gary Stu but he's not going alone. If we're working together on this, then I say a Storm Hawk should go with him. And Piper is the only girl."

"She isn't going to like this…"

"If Piper hates the idea, it's a good plan. So it's decided. Dark Ace and Piper will go get the Gary Stu, and you will take me to your ship to meet Victoria-Celine whatever-whatever, okay?"

"Okay…"

"Good. So the Gary Stu in question is Ryan-Brady Dragonfire Sharktooth Hot Pants. Last known location: Terra Dribblepoop. That isn't too far from here." Cyclonis stood abruptly. "Let's get Piper and meet this Sue."

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Victoria-Celine Starlight Rainbow Lavender Sexy Chick, AKA Jewel, had her uses. Without her help, landing on Terra Cyclonia would have been a bit harder. After she woke up from her melodramatic faint, (which she had no memory of, by the way), Stork asked her to come to the hangar with the doors wide open, and sing.

Junko carried her there, seeing as she was incapable of moving (don't ask), and she lay down on the floor like a tragic princess and started to sing a mournful fairy song. Pretty soon, everyone was sleeping—except Stork, who was wearing earplugs.

The fairy song sung in her beautiful voice, lulled all the Cyclonians to sleep as well, so that the Condor was surrounded by men snoring loudly and softly mumbling, "Die, Storm Hawk!" in their sleep. (One had mumbled, "Ooh, what a pretty pink bra!" The disturbing thing was that he was a male.)

She was still singing when Cyclonis and the Dark Ace approached the ship, and Stork helpfully handed them a pair of earplugs each.

"Oh, that is atrocious," Cyclonis muttered, making a face as her eyes fell upon the Sue, who lay with her head on a sleeping Junko's arm.

"Yes but she's so beautifully atrocious…" The Dark Ace's pupils dilated, and he started salivating. "I think I'm in love."

The Sue stopped singing when they entered the Condor.

"Cylonas!" Jewel cried "u kild ma mothr! u ruinned ma lyf! u wnt 2 takk ovr terra faCeplm! i wnt let u!"

"You'll get used to the histrionics," Stork explained apologetically.

"With Snipe, Ravess, Dark Ace and Chicken Feather? I already am."

The Dark Ace pulled out his earplugs. "Hi," he said softly, bending to her level. "My name is Ace. Dark Ace." He clasped her hand. "It's nice to meet you."

"ma nam iss Victoria-Celine Starlight Rainbow Lavender Sexy Chick bt u cn cal me Jewel cuz m dat purty"

"Yes, yes you are, Jewel, the diamond of my heart. Will you be my girlfriend?"

"no!"

Stork dropped his head to his hands. "I'm gonna go get Piper. I've heard that sentence too many times today."

Cyclonis grabbed Dark Ace by the collar. "Go with the merb. I'll watch the Sue."

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Stork shook Piper awake. She was snoring softly on the couch thanks to Jewel's singing. "Piper? Wake up."

She moaned and cussed in an unladylike fashion before opening her eyes. Then when she saw Dark Ace, she screamed.

"Relax! He's with us! We're working together on this one!"

"Working…together?"

"To get rid of Jewel."

"Oh. I feel weird."

"That's because you were possessed by a Mary Sue."

"Come on," Dark Ace said, "We better get going."

"Where?" asked Piper.

"To get possessed by a Gary Stu," Stork replied calmly.

Piper yawned, still sleepy. "Okay." Then, like a zombie, she got to her feet, patted Dark Ace on the head and walked past him, to the hangar bay.

Stork shrugged. "She's not much of a morning person."

Dark Ace groaned. "Right. I'm going."

"Good luck, man. My sanity depends upon your success."

"I think I'll say bye to Jewel first, perhaps ask for her number..."

Stork sighed. This too shall pass, he told himself. This too shall pass.

_DarkacE and piper on a misson whooohooo! n stok haz 2 deal wid cyclonis whil d othrs sleep lol. Atleast he haz jewel 4 compny haha. Dnt 4get to r&r :D_

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**A/N: Not too happy with this. I think it's because Jewel had very little page-time xD I love her xD Oh yeah, and I've decided to make this longer than a two-shot. This chapter was rather long, don't you think?**

**Oh, by the way, how many of you have used Mary Sues/Gary Stu's in your fanfictions in the past? I used to have two Mary Sues and one Gary Stu. It's okay. No shame in admitting you wrote crap when you were 12 years old. At least you don't have stupid Sues/Stus now, right? XD **

**Anyway, just as the sucky writer in the italics said, "Dnt 4get to r&r :D"**

…**No, really. Reviews would be great. **


	3. Poor Mr Snugglebuns

**A/N: HAPPY NEW YEAR! :D Do you awesome folk have any resolutions? **

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_Hapy new yer lmao! lets start teh yr wid sum awsum funnies! read on 2 find out wht happans nxt!_

A Taylor Swift song was playing in the back-ground, as audio effect. Like all those crap romantic scenes in the movies. The song was pretty popular: Love Story.

_We were both young, when I first saw you/I close my eyes/And the flashback starts/I'm standing there/On a balcony in summer air. _

Clouds, like cushions, flew by as the Storm Hawk and the Cyclonian made their way to Terra Dribblepoop.

_I see the lights/See the party, the ball gowns/I see you make your way through the crowd/And say hello/Little did I know. _

"…And, you know, I've never felt this way about anyone before," the Dark Ace said quietly. "It's like…when I saw her for the first time, my heart just stopped. You may think it's silly…oh god, it is silly. I'm not thinking straight. I mean, telling a Storm Hawk about my love life? But…she's the one. I'm sure of it."

"Ah, that's okay," Piper said gently. "I think it's just her powers, you know?"

"Her powers?"

"Yeah, her Mary Sue powers," the navigator explained. She had successfully broken out of Jewel's trance, and was now helping Dark Ace with it. (Secretly she decided to start the MSA. Mary Sues Anonymous.)

"No, no!" the Dark Ace cried. "It isn't a power. It's not mind control! I'm serious, Piper, I love her. I know that love at first sight is stupid, but it's so real. I can vouch for that. I thought I liked Ravess, but it isn't the same. I've never felt like this before!"

_That you were Romeo, you were throwing pebbles/And my daddy said stay away from Juliet/And I was crying on the staircase/Begging you please don't go/And I said_

"But—"

"Jewel is the diamond of my heart. I wasn't kidding. And it kills me to be getting a Gary Stu to take her away from me. What will I do without her, Piper? We aren't meant to be. She'll destroy me, she'll destroy my terra by her very presence…Cyclonis won't accept it. Oh, but I need her like air!"

"Ace," Piper said softly, "Stop spewing clichés."

"But I feel all cliché-y at the very thought of her!" he choked a sob.

"She's poison, Ace. She's poison. You know that."

"Oh Jewel…She didn't even give me her number…"

"What did you expect? She's in love with Aerrow. He's the sexiest, remember?"

Bitterly, Dark Ace frowned. His tone acerbic, he said, "That…I'll kill Aerrow. Then she'll love me."

"No, she'll fight you. Or kill herself. Mary Sues. So devoted to their lovers that it's annoying."

Dark Ace started to cry, unashamed. "I'm cursed, Piper. I'm cursed with love."

Piper sighed, giving him a sad look. "But that's still not an excuse to spew clichés."

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Cyclonis ate a sandcake. She couldn't stand Piper, but she had to agree with Stork. Her sandcakes were to die for. "So, Jewel," she said in as sweet a tone as she could muster. "How are you doing? You don't look so good."

Stork cleared his throat. "She doesn't look that bad."

"You _know _what I mean," Cyclonis mutter, shooting Stork a look. "And if she's going to brain-warp you too, I suggest you go somewhere else."

"Woman, just because we're working together doesn't mean I trust you to leave you unsupervised on my ship." With that, Stork sat with his arms crossed on a big wooden crate. The hangar bay was dimly lit, and Cyclonis and Jewel sat in a dignified way on chairs, with a plate on sandcakes between them.

"m fine cyclonAs" Jewel said defiantly 'ur talons cud nt brek ma sprit n dats wht mattrs"

Cyclonis pursed her lips. "I see."

"n u cn go fuck urself cuz m nt gona tel u d secrte, mothrfuker!'

"Is she prone to cussing like that?" Cyclonis asked Stork.

"Well, in the fan fiction universe, they do use a lot of swears…for no apparent reason, so you shouldn't be surprised," was the intelligent answer.

"She called me a mofo, seriously?" Cyclonis mused outloud. "That's one I've never been called before…"

"For good reason, I hope," Stork muttered weakly.

"I can assure you, I do a lot of horrible things to people's mothers but I do not fuc—"

"cylonas" Jewel yelled, "wach ur languagge"

Cyclonis was a capable interrogator, and she knew how to deal with Mary Sues. There was no real way to get anything out of them except if they tell you willingly. So despite her every instinct telling her to BREAK JEWEL'S NECK, she kept her temper.

"You're just the sweetest little hypocrite, aren't you?" Cyclonis cooed with a smile so fake it looked like she was having a seizure. "Forget it, I'm a big girl…I can deal with it. I just wanted to assure you that I _do not _want to know the secret of Terra Facepalm. So you have no need to worry."

Jewel's vibrantly sharp purple orbs glinted amethyst. The purple hue was filled with the agonizing whirlwind of pain that was the responsibility of her identity. Their violet colour was so deep that it put purple prose to a shame as dark as death. "wat/?" she spoke eloquently.

"I don't want the secret to Terra Facepalm, Jewel. Not for myself, anyway. The truth is that my…my poor dear pet puppy, Mr Snugglebuns, has been kidnapped by bandits and they'll kill him unless I give them the secret." Cyclonis suddenly let out a huge, pathetic fake wail. "Oh, the poor thing! He was barely a month old and now he'll never live to see the world in its beauty…" then she sniffed loudly. Stork handed her a tissue. She blew her nose in it, and weakly, said, "Thank you." She paused, wiped her eyes and said, "But don't you worry about it, Jewel. I deserve to suffer because of my sins. I know that you won't tell me the secret because you want your revenge and I understand that. I just hope that Mr Snugglebuns knows that…"—she hiccupped—"I just hope he knows that…that I love him. And I've always wanted the best for him…"

Jewel's eyes widened. Revenge? What did that word mean? No. Jewel was NOT vengeful. Her heart was pure, her soul so loving and just that it glowed.

"…I remember—I remember how he used to cuddle up at my feet when I was cold…I remember how I could almost _hear _the audience going 'Awwwww' like in a sit-com during a particularly fluffy scene...and if it's my punishment, to be denied of the only thing I love…I have sinned, Jewel, I know I've sinned…"

Stork doubled over, biting his lips, feeling his ribcage almost crack with controlling his laughter. Cyclonis was so full of shit. It astonished him. It just astonished him.

"u hav a puppy?" Jewel asked slowly.

"Had, I believe. I think I'll have to start talking about him in the past tense." Cyclonis wiped another fake tear.

"ohhhhh..."

"But don't worry yourself about it…I see it's futile. I see that you're too strong-willed for me…And I don't want to hurt people any more…"

Jewel gave her a sad look. "i rly wish I cud hlp u cYlonas bt i cnt ..its aganstt ma moralz"

"Morals?" Cyclonis choked weakly. "Your morals tell you to let innocent puppies die?"

The Mary Sue's eyes widened. Cyclonis almost smirked. _Got you now!_

"i…i…"

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"Huh."

Piper put her hands on her hips. Dark Ace looked around, surprised. "I assumed Terra Dribblepoop…would be a really crappy place. No pun intended."

The town square was alive with happy people. A massive palace overlooked the city—like in that movie, Tangled. Yeah, the Disney Pixar one, exactly like that. The place was crowded with all sorts of stalls and shops. People said quaint things like, "And thus I set my eyes upon the fair maiden!" and it was supposed to be cool.

"Well, how will we find the Gary Stu? What's his name again?"

"Ryan-Brady Dragonfire Sharktooth Hot Pants."

"Ah. Wait, I know how we'll find him!" Piper cried. She took in a huge gulp of air. "HELLO! CAN ANYONE DIRECT ME TO RYAN-BRADY DRAGONFIRE SHARKTOOTH HOT PANTS?"

The whole street fell silent. Then, everyone raised their hands. Heh. Her guess had been right. He was popular. They got their directions and quickly went on their way.

"How did you know that would work?" Dark Ace asked.

"A Gary Stu who isn't popular isn't a Gary Stu."

They drove their respective automobiles down a poorer section of the township, and when they saw him, he was impossible to miss. "Is he—is that?"

The Dark Ace's face sported a deep rage. So this was the man who was going to steal his beautiful Jewel's heart. This was the gorgeous demon who would take Jewel away from him… "My worst enemy," he said quietly, "Is feeding a kitten."

_Droooling abt ryan-brady already haha. Ladies ur gonna luv him! So ppl r&r pls *blows kisses*_

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**A/N: Here's the truth of it. This chapter was meant to be much, much longer. I had to cut it short. I was planning to finish the story in chapter three but I have a feeling that 'Attack of the Sue' is only a short story in my head!**

**So why did I have to cut it short? Simply because I have to study. I have exams. Starting tomorrow. I won't be able to update this until the 11****th**** of January, so…sorry. Still, it's only eight days. I promise I'll update as soon as those bloody exams are over, okay? :P **

**Anyway, please review :D **


	4. Gary Stu: Crafted to Perfection

**A/N: My exams just ended, so I'm going to finish this story! (Hopefully) It started out as a two-shot and now we're on the fourth chapter -_- **

* * *

_m freee frm ma exms yay :DDDDDDDDDDDDD it ws so stoops haha ;P ladiz its tym 2 meat ryan-brady! :*_

Have you read _The Godfather_? There's this part in the book when Micheal Corleone sees Apollonia Vitelli for the first time and is struck by 'The Thunderbolt', which is a really, really powerful, possessive longing that a man feels for one particular woman.

It was that feeling that Piper experienced when her eyes fell to Ryan-Brady Dragonfire Sharktooth Hot Pants. A deep, thirsting, ferocious lust that went hand in hand with the most overwhelming emotion of love she'd ever experienced. It was literally dizzying. She had to hold onto the handle of her heliscooter to keep herself balanced.

Ryan-Brady was beautiful. No, that _common _word did not adequately describe him. He was pulchritudinous. Handsome. Athletic. Intelligent. Sharp. Sexual. Protective. Kind. Loving. Perfect. And the best part was, he sparkled.

"The dude's glittering like a—"

"Shh…admire in silence," Piper said dreamily, putting a hand on Dark Ace's shoulder.

Personally speaking, the Dark Ace couldn't figure out what the fuss was all about. At first when he saw the Gary-Stu, he noticed a tall, muscular young man with wavy blonde hair and intelligent greyish-hazel eyes. The man had a lean, defined jaw, and an utterly flawless body—this Dark Ace knew because the Gary-Stu was shirtless, wearing only a pair of faded blue jeans. He was sitting under a tree, feeding a kitten some bread. Ace noticed the carefully placed mud marks and gentle scruffiness of his appearance. Of course, he was poor. With a tragic backstory too, no doubt.

But then, Ryan-Brady looked up and saw the Cyclonian and the Storm Hawk staring at him shamelessly. An expression of innocent confusion came upon his angelic features. He stood up and walked into the sun. "Cn i helpp u?" he asked kindly. His voice was deep and made you feel safe. But that's not the first thing Dark Ace noticed.

"The dude's glittering like a—"

"Shh…admire in silence."

The Cyclonian commander felt two things. First, he felt queasy because when a guy starts sparkling like a diamond on steroids, it's unnerving. Secondly, he felt a sudden and powerful onset of inferiority. Oh god. Ryan-Brady was perfect.

The Gary-Stu smiled, the same confused and gentle expression on his face. "mah nam is ryaN-brady dragonfire Sharktooth Hot pants, n u seems lostt'

"You're…beautiful," Piper whispered. "You're pulchritudinous."

"What does pulchritudinous mean? First time I'm hearing that," Dark Ace questioned.

"Itt meanz beatifull…u think m beatifull/?"' Ryan-Brady asked Piper. He approached her.

"You're sparkling…like diamonds…I-I…My name's Piper, I mean. Pleasure to meet you!" She stuck her hand out and he shook it, holding her tiny palm in his large one.

"Teh plesur is myne milady" he said with a playful smile. Piper felt like melting into a puddle of goo. Gods. What a man.

"_Hello," _Dark Ace muttered. "I'm here too, you know."

"Are you a vampire?" Piper asked, hopeful. "You sparkle just like one."

"m a sparklling werewolf; piper" he answered.

_A SPARKLING WEREWOLF. _Dark Ace almost barfed but Piper was smitten. What was it with girls these days? First dead guys with glitter, then dogs with serious wardrobe malfunctions (Did these guys even own shirts)? This was the guy who was going to steal Jewel's heart? Rubbish! Jewel was SO much better than that. Ace had read Twilight. The entire saga. And he'd watched all the movies and everything. (It was research, okay?) He couldn't _believe _the rubbish chicks found attractive these days. No wonder he didn't have a girlfriend. All of them had crushes on corpses and mutts.

"PIPER," Dark Ace said loudly. "Remember the mission?"

"Mmmh-hmm…" The young navigator was now staring deeply into the Gary-Stu's eyes and Ace could actually _see _her pupils glazing over, a sure sign of a mega brain warp. She was going to wake with the worst hangover.

Ace sighed. Just great.

"wht misson?" Ryan-Brady questioned.

"The…um…"

"Nothing important," Piper replied, her voice wispy and sweet, like cotton candy.

"misson.. .!' the sparkling werewolf said suddenly. "ive ben on missons b4…" he suddenly gasped, fell silent, and turned away.

"What is it?" Piper asked, stroking his face gently.

"Old enemies?" Dark Ace questioned, hopefully.

"i cnt tok abt it nvm" he responded and walked back under the tree.

Ah. Of course, the whole 'mysterious hot guy' thing. That made sense.

Piper ran after him. "Ryan, Ryan, wait!" she cried, a single tear streaking down her cheek. "Talk to me. You can trust me, can't you?"

"its nt abt trust plz dnt make dis mor diffcult than it alrdy is pipes!"

_Pipes? _

"Pipes…like sewer pipes?" Dark Ace joked. He was feeling very left out of this whole…whatever this was supposed to be. Besides, if this golden-haired pretty boy was going to take his Jewel away, he might as well make fun of him while he can.

"No nt sewer pipes" Ryan-Brady looked at Ace like the Cyclonian was stupid. "hw stoops r u?"

"Stoops?" What was this language?

"Stoops: stupid. Duh," Piper replied. "But you can tell me anything, Ryan," she added, looking right back at him. "Maybe not now, but you can. I'll always be there for you."

"Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm…pipes, wud u lyk sum lunch? Its lunchtym n m hungr"

"Like a date?" Piper joked, her voice high.

He clasped her hands. "Mae bee? i kno dis gr8 plase.."

The Cyclonian's eyes widened. "Wait, what? No, let me remind you—"

Piper grinned. "See you in a bit, Ace!"

* * *

Stork lived in a madhouse. That one thing was for certain. There were several reasons for this conclusion:

1. His worst enemy, the bane of Atmos, Master Cyclonis, was huddled in a foetal position on the hangar of his airship weeping, "OH MY POOR PUPPY!"

2. His second worst enemy, the secret keeper of Terra Facepalm, the Mary Sue, was sitting shell-shocked on a chair, counting all the prime numbers she could because her morals had been questioned and she didn't know what to do. She, after all, was not a character designed for having an interesting introspective and could not deal with opposing ethical expectations.

3. His friends had awoken from their slumbers and had promptly fallen right back under Victoria-Celine Starlight Rainbow Lavender Sexy Chick's spell. Aerrow was currently trying to get her out of her trance by kissing her fingers and telling her that she was beautiful.

4. Finn was trying to make her laugh by ball dancing with Junko. Both boys were wearing sombreros.

5. Radarr was playing a Nikki Minaj song to which Finn and Junko were dancing. (_You a stupid hoe, you-you a stupid hoe!_)

And Stork? All he was doing was standing there, watching his life unfold before him. Of all the many ways he thought he'd die, this was not one of them. He never thought he'd just die of abject disbelief. But apparently it was happening. He suddenly wanted his trance helmet.

But that wasn't to be. The radio on Cyclonis' belt crackled. She didn't hear it—she was far too busy making a scene, but Stork did. That in itself was a remarkable feat because the commotion was loud and it was giving him a headache.

He bent down to the evil dictator's level. "Your radio," he told her.

Cyclonis paused her melodrama for a moment and answered it. "Who's this?"

"Dark Ace."

Cyclonis thrust the radio into Stork's hands. "Talk to him. I can't stop for a minute or the Sue will realise I'm faking." Just then, Jewel glanced at Cyclonis. "OH POOR MR SNUGGLEBUNS!"

And the insanity resumed.

Stork sighed and spoke into the radio. "Yeah, Dark Ace. Stork here."

"Stork? Where's Master Cyclonis? Who's Mr Snugglebuns? What the hell is that godawful sound?"

"That godawful sound happens to be a Nikki Minaj song."

"Why the hell—forget it, I don't want to know. Listen, we have a problem."

"Don't we always?"

"We found the Gary-Stu."

"That's a good thing."

"Piper's on a date with him."

"Oh shit."

"Yeah. So now he loves Piper and not Jewel, which is fine with me but—"

"You gotta do something, Dark Ace! If the plan fails, we're ALL done for. The Sue's taken control of everyone on board, including, to some extent, Cyclonis."

"Cyclonis?"

"She's crying about a fictional puppy."

"Point taken. What do you want me to do?"

Stork was silent for a short moment. Then, with grim determination, he said, "Just do what you do best, man."

He could almost hear Dark Ace smirk. "Right. Dark Ace over and out."

_Omgggggg! Wats ace gonna dooooooo? r&r ppl! *kisses*_

* * *

**A/N: You think you know the story you're about to write. Then the story warps into something you never even foresaw. Just the day in the life of a writer, isn't it? xD**

**Thanks for reading! :D **


	5. Outwitting Mary and Gary

**A/N: Chapter five of my two-shot. Sigh. **

* * *

_ok heres d trut gaiz idk whr 2 go wid dis chapppie…guezz well figur oute :*_

While the chaos went on around her, Jewel was having an introspective. To calm herself down, she was counting prime numbers. It always helped. Plus, she was smart…like, really smart, so it wasn't too hard. She was now on to 1571. Now 1579. Now 1583…She was such a complete genius that she didn't even have to _think _about the next number. She simply said it because the grey matter in her brain was the greyest matter in the whole world. So while she counted her prime numbers, she thought about her pathetic life. Sigh. It was such a sob story.

She was born to a desperately poor family. They didn't have three meals a day. Sometimes, even one meal a day was a miracle. Her mother, Anne-Clover Moonbeam Sundrop Rosewater, was very beautiful. And just like Jewel, she wasn't aware of her hugely attractive looks. Anne-Clover had married her father, Garry Miller. Garry was not a Stu, and though he was good enough for Anne-Clover, he soon got sick and tired of her, like any sensible person would. So he walked out on his wife and his two year old daughter and never returned.

But then, Anne-Clover was captured by Cyclonis when Jewel was thirteen, and was killed for not revealing the secret. (By the way, it was during this experience that Cyclonis learned as much about Mary Sues as knew now.) Jewel lived on the streets, carrying with her the deadly secret, which was passed down from generation to generation. Jewel's mother had told her the secret only a week before she was kidnapped.

Anyway, Jewel got by. She was not vengeful by nature, and though she missed her mother and festered anger towards Cyclonis, she couldn't bring herself to hate her. That's just how Sues were unfortunately, though we all know that the story would be far more interesting if Jewel wanted to stab Cyclonis with a poisoned knife or something similar.

So now, the question came: what to do? She was angry with Cyclonis, but a puppy's life was on the line. But she was the secret keeper. How could she possibly give up the secret? How could she be disloyal to her home?

Jewel closed her eyes. She could feel her beloved Aerrow sitting there beside her, kissing her palm, telling her he loved her. She loved him too, she loved him so much…And suddenly, an idea struck her.

"Ok cylonaz" she said, her eyes snapping open abruptly "lets dicuss dis"

* * *

For a moment there, Stork almost fell in love with Jewel. _Almost._

"Ok cylonaz" she said, her eyes snapping open abruptly "lets dicuss dis"

Suddenly, her entire form acquired this sort of resonance…It was hard to describe. It was like an aura, a glow. Her purple eyes radiated power, control. Her perfect Angelina Jolie lips were in a gentle yet visible sexy pout, her flaming red hair graced her heart-shaped face like she'd just worked on it at a salon. Just for that one moment, Stork almost drooled.

But then he got over it. _Snap out of it, it's not real love. She's Sueing me. _

At the firmness of her voice, the rubbish that everyone was up to stopped. Cyclonis stopped crying, Radarr turned off that Nikki Minaj song, Finn and Junko stopped dancing, and Aerrow dropped Jewel's hand, though his eyes were brimming with pride.

Cyclonis stood and wiped her crocodile tears. There was hope in her voice, but smugness in her eyes. "You're willing to negotiate?"

"ya"

"That's wonderful! What do you propose?"

"V resQ ur pupppie frm d bandits so dat u get ur pet n i cn kepp ma secrte;"

Well. That backfired.

Quickly, Cyclonis composed herself. "I…I can't. They said that if I do, if I come after him, they'll kill Mr Snugglebuns. Otherwise my Talons would have done the job."

Silence for a moment. Then, "wat if i helpe 2 resQ d dog den? i cn helpe, ppl usuallly lisen 2 me idk y bt dey do"

Cyclonis shot Stork a look. Her eyes had a hint of panic in them. The merb sighed. _I'll be right back, _he mouthed to her. With that, he quickly ran up to the bridge.

* * *

Generally speaking, restaurants don't allow shirtless people to enter. Unless it's a strip club and the shirtless people are women. But of course, when the doorman set his eyes on the sparkling werewolf and his date, he said not a word. Ryan-Brady was directed to the best table, and the sexiest waitress came up to them.

"Hey there, sweetie," she cooed, "What can I get you?" as she said this, she shot Piper the most demonic glare humanly possible.

Ryan-Brady shrugged. "wat wil u hav pipes?' he said, taking her hand in his. Piper gave the waitress a triumphant look and shook her head.

"Anything, really. It doesn't matter as long as I'm with you."

The Gary-Stu laughed. "ur sweete"

The waitress rolled her eyes. "We have the—"

"hw bout fries? Jst plane old frech fries cuz i dun lyk dat fancy stuff it maks me fel guilt cuz lots of kidz r dieing of hungr out n d wrld v r eatin dis gud fud"

"Oh, how thoughtful," Piper cried, delighted. "Fries sound great, thanks."

When the waitress left (giving Piper a poisonous look as she did), Ryan-Brady said "u dnt mynd d fries?'

"No, I think it's wonderful that you're so sensitive."

He smiled "ma parents nvr understood. i come frm a riche famille n dey were cruel so i left n bcame a werewolfe; m d alfa of d pack nw. i do charity at d poor peeple's homes u kno givin dem things lyk clothez n fud or fixing teh heatin in their homes cuz it getz cold att nite"

Piper felt herself blush. A sparkling werewolf who did charity work? Oh, he was the one. He had to be.

Meanwhile, Dark Ace sat at the corner table of the room. He'd followed them. In his head, he revised his plan once more. In his many, many years of war, he'd learnt to notice small things, like team dynamics of the enemy. With the Storm Hawks, the first thing that had caught his eye was the ease and efficiency with which Aerrow and Piper fought together. They were a uniquely talented fighting pair, and they knew how to work like a team.

Which led him to one assumption. An assumption he was absolutely banking on. He had a sneaking suspicion that Aerrow and Piper were close. Closer than they were to the other Storm Hawks members. Dark Ace didn't go as far as saying they were romantically involved. They were not. They were close like siblings or best friends.

He practiced his scared face one last time, and then he stood.

"PIPER!" he cried, his voice high and panicked. The whole restaurant turned to see him. He caught Piper's eye and ran to her. "Piper, oh god. I just got a transmission from Stork, he says the Condor's been ambushed by Repton and his crew and Aerrow's been seriously injured. We have to go _NOW._"

A split second passed.

"Aerrow's hurt?" Her eyes went wide.

"Stork's scared for his life."

"Whos arrow?' Ryan-Brady asked.

"He's my best friend!" Piper jumped to her feet. "I have to go!"

"Waite ill come wid u,, pipes r u ok?"

That's when Dark Ace saw a glimmer of the old, non-brainwashed Piper.

"OKAY? My best friend's probably dead! How can I be okay?" She stopped yelling long enough to glare at Ace. "Let's go."

And Dark Ace assumed the battle had been won. But no.

Suddenly, the Gary Stu pulled her into a hug. "its ok sweetheart he'lll b ok/ drak ace letz go"

The Talon Commander sighed. Well, that's why they'd come here anyway: to bring the Gary-Stu to the Condor. He didn't want to but the warrior in him refused to ignore a direct order from his Master. "Alright. Come on then. Do you have a switchblade?"

"no bt i cn fly"

A flying sparkling werewolf. Oh, how silly of Ace to not have guessed.

"Right. C'mon."

* * *

Cyclonis was at a loss for words. How, exactly, was she going to convince a perceptive Mary Sue that Mr Snugglebuns existed? Well, she didn't have to.

It was then that the Condor's radio cracked up, in a voice that was definitely _not_ Stork. "VICTORIA-CELINE STARLIGHT RAINBOW LAVENDER SEXY CHICK!" Whoever spoke, his voice was gruff and angry. "WE HAVE KILLED MR SNUGGLEBUNS. BUT HE MEANT NOTHING TO US; WE WANT THE SECRET. IF YOU DO NOT TELL CYCLONIS THE SECRET, WE'LL FIRE UPON TERRA FACEPALM AND KILL EVERY LIVING CREATURE THERE."

That was Cyclonis' cue to wail for her fictional dead puppy. Jewel, however, went white. She'd caused this. She'd been indirectly responsible for the death of an innocent baby dog, and now her terra itself was in grave danger. All this because of that dastardly secret!

While Stork, of course, sat by the controls, with a smirk on his face. A voice modulator lay near by. He cleared his throat. He picked up the voice modulator once more and reconnected it to the Condor's radio wires. For effect, he added: "IF WE DON'T GET THE SECRET IN HALF AN HOUR, SAY GOODBYE TO YOUR HOME."

_lulz stork u genious ;) r&r ppl luv ya! _

* * *

**A/N: Longish chapter? Hopefully I'm close to finishing it. How sad that I don't even know if this story going to end any time soon! D: **


	6. Shut the Fromage Up!

**A/N: I dedicate this chapter to dogs. Because dogs are awesome, and you better believe it. **

* * *

_Omg u wil nt beleive wht happand…ma 2 dogs got surgerys done n bt theyre ok nw just a lil druged lol i luv u doggies soooooo much :* nyway nxt chappie!_

Picture a soap opera. That sort of melodramatic music. Tears. Rage. Angst. All that stuff. Can you see it? With people crying and screaming dramatically? Oh good, you can. That's good, that's great…now you can easily imagine what was going on in the Condor's hangar.

"What have you done!" Cyclonis yelled, horrid tears trailing down her cheeks. "Oh, what have you done?" She sunk to the floor, head in hands, sobbing bitterly. "Mr Snugglebuns…oh why?"

The Mary Sue ran to Cyclonis and patted her back awkwardly. "cylonas m sry bt thers nothin i cn do…"

"If you'd just told me the secret, an innocent life would have been spared. And now, and now…Your own Terra Facepalm is in danger because of it. Jewel, is this big secret even worth the pain it's causing?" She said this between sobs and loud sniffles.

'i…cylonas idk wht 2 do nymor…"

"Your terra, your _people_! Their lives are at stake here, Victoria-Celine."

Jewel frowned. "u dnt evn needd d secrte nymor ,, n u killd ma mothr idk if i wanna tel u nythin';"

Cyclonis looked up, and looked the Mary Sue in the eye. This— and this she said truthfully—"Your mother was just like you, you know. A Mary Sue. Indestructible. I couldn't kill her. She killed herself, to protect the secret. She was in her cell…there was some broken glass lying around…When my guards found her it was already too late. You think you'd still be alive if I knew how to kill a Mary Sue? I hate your kind. In all the bad fanfiction, you Mary Sues always join the Storm Hawks and defeat my forces. Plus, you guys are annoying." She took a breath and lapsed back into lying. "I don't want the secret any more. I don't need it. My puppy is gone. Your people need it. That's none of my business."

Jewel sat there and absorbed it all. Shell-shocked.

* * *

Dark Ace had been around a long time. He'd done crazy things, both under the leadership of Lightning Strike, and under the leadership of Cyclonis. He'd seen weird stuff in his day.

But not quite as weird as this.

First: the greatest Cyclonian Talon ever, on the greatest Cyclonian switchblade ever.

Second: a really annoying arch nemesis of Master Cyclonis on a really annoying heliscooter.

Third: a sort of…um…disgusting looking giant sparkling grey wolf that flew beside them. It looked like it was running on thin air. For some reason, Piper appeared to be smitten by it.

The unlikely trio was weird enough, but weirder still that they were on their way to the Condor, the airship of Cyclonia's greatest enemies, parked at Terra Cyclonia, with the Master herself sitting there with the helmsman, a Mary Sue, and three brain warped Storm Hawks. Oh yes, and some mysterious fictional character called Mr Snugglebuns, whoever or whatever he was.

_And the worst thing is that I can't even afford therapy with my salary, _thought the Dark Ace bitterly.

Piper seemed to be slipping in and out of the Stu's grasp. If the Stu wasn't talking to her, she'd more or less focus on the situation at hand. If the Stu even opened his mouth, the navigator would melt into a pile of goop. ("pipes u ok?" "I'm so scared for Aerrow, Ryan-Brady…" 'itts ok m shure hell b fyn" "You are?" 'ya pipes i luv u n prommise dat i wnt let ne1 hurt u evn arrow cuz if he dyes then u wil b sad n i cnt stand 2 sea u sad;" "Oh, that's so sweet, Ryan. I love you." "i luv u pipes")

Dark Ace groaned. But he could already see the red and black skies of Cyclonia on the horizon. The ordeal was nearly over. Determinedly, he drove his skimmer faster. The end was coming. Finally.

* * *

"Fyne cylonas! i giv up i cnt do dis nymor!" Victoria-Celine Starlight Rainbow Lavender Sexy Chick screamed melodramatically. Cyclonis sat up straighter, wiping her eyes. Stork cringed. What now?

"What do you mean?" Cyclonis asked, barely keeping the hope from her voice.

With a strangled cry, Jewel dropped her head in her hands. The moment of truth. "teh sectre cylonaz..teh sectre is—"

For a second time in this story, Jewel was rudely interrupted. But before, a bad writer had ended the chapter before the Mary Sue could say another word because said bad writer thought it would be an apparently jaw-dropping cliffhanger. This time, there were no such literary acrobatics.

There was a slashing bang. Because in the world of Stu/Sue parodies, there are such things as slashing bangs. Before any of the other characters could even react, a most hideous-yet-spine-chillingly-sexy sparkling wolf tore through the Condor's hangar doors with his mighty claws.

"My ship!" Stork cried, "Oh baby, are you alright?" he tried to run forward to inspect the damage but the ugly-and-sexy animal blocked his path.

"AERROW!" Piper screamed, jumping off her heliscooter and looking for the redhead Sky Knight's corpse or something.

"Hmm…you said something, Junko?" murmured the Mary Sue smitten leader and sexiest male of the Storm Hawks show.

Chaos broke loose. Stork groaned. Trance helmet…where was that bloody trance helmet when you needed it?

Piper screamed and ran to Aerrow who didn't even acknowledge her. The ugly/sexy animal transformed into an utterly orgasmic young man. Dark Ace dashed for Jewel, who just sat there like a Bella Swan clone. Cyclonis cussed very loudly because she'd been _so close _to knowing the secret. Finn, Junko and Radarr tried to fight off the orgasmic young man though he mowed them down with a simple flick of his little finger.

Enough was enough. Stork had had it up to _here. _

"EVERYBODY SHUT THE FROMAGE UP!"

So everybody shut the fromage up and looked at him, startled.

Finally, Finn ventured, "What's a fromage?"

"It's the French word for cheese," Piper answered.

"Oh, thanks, Piper."

"No problem."

"What part of shut the fromage up did you not understand?" Stork muttered, his voice low and dangerous.

"All of it. I mean, why would we shut the cheese up? Why is it in French?" Junko pondered aloud.

"OI!" Stork yelled again, and it got everyone's attentions once more. "Jewel, what the fromage is the fromaging secret already?!"

"fromaging/? it haz nothin' 2 do wid cheeze n it isnt in frenchh stok"

"WHAT'S THE SECRET?!"

Jewel made a pained face. "Teh sectre izz dat 900 yrs ago der was a perfum made in terra FacePalm dat whn used cud controle d ppl who smelled it. lyk; d wearer of d perfum cud mak ppl smell it n den she/he cud control der minds"

There was a short silence. Cyclonis spoke. "Mind control? That's actually pretty cool. But wasn't the wearer of the perfume affected too?"

"no"

"Why?"

"idk m jst a mary sue d plot doesnt mattar"

"Go figure." Cyclonis gave a low whistle.

"Wait," Piper, the other smart person in the room, interrupted. "This perfume was made nine hundred years ago?"

"Ya. Y?'

But Cyclonis' expression went from glee to horror. Just plain old abject horror. "Oh my god, Piper, you have a point."

"Can someone please speak English, here?" Finn snapped.

Cyclonis moaned. "The perfume has evaporated. The secret of Terra Facepalm is a nine hundred year old bottle that smells nice. That's all. The perfume must have evaporated several centuries ago!"

'well dat was obviouz cylonas"

"That's your big secret? Seriously?" Piper snapped.

"ya"

"Ugh. You're pathetic."

"ur jst jealouse of mee"

"I am not—"

"Shut the fromage up," Stork repeated loudly. "Right. That's one thing out of the way. Piper, what's the deal about Aerrow?"

"Dark Ace said he was dying!"

"No, I'm not. But I'd die any day for Jewel."

"Thank you, Aerrow, for your input. Captain Obvious approves. Moving on. Dark Ace. Who the fromage is the orgasmic and ugly wolf man?"

"The Gary Stu," Ace replied glumly.

"plesur 2 meat u m Ryan-Brady Drago—"

"Right, whatever." Stork looked at Ace again. "Why did you tell Piper that Aerrow was dying?"

"It was the only way to get her out of her date with the Stu," Dark Ace said. "You DID tell me to do what I do best. Sabotage is what I do best."

"Good call," the merb approved.

"Wait, you LIED TO ME TO RUIN MY DATE?"

"Yup, pretty much, Piper. Or should I say _Sewer Pipes?_"

"Dark Ace, shut the fromage up."

"Okay, Stork. Sorry."

"Good."

Quite honestly, Stork liked conducting this whole thing. It was fun. And he lovedsaying 'Shut the Fromage Up' every few seconds. What a brilliant way to not use the other F-word that was pretty rude. It would simply move the rating up from 'T' to 'M' if he wasn't careful. Stork didn't want this story to be 'M' rated, you see.

Now, for the hardest part. The climax of the story would come now. Stork rubbed his hands together and said, "Victoria-Celine, meet Ryan-Brady. Ryan-Brady, meet Victoria Celine."

Their eyes met. The moment was magic.

"NO!" screamed Aerrow and Piper, weapons raised.

Stork smirked. Now _THAT _was a cliffhanger.

_Arrow vs piper d ultimate showdoun whoooooooooo ! nxt chappie is last ;P_

* * *

**A/N: WE'RE FINALLY GETTING SOMEWHERE WITH THIS FIC! YAY!**


	7. The Lost Princess Returns

**A/N: Well, I'll tell you who this chapter **_**isn't **_**dedicated to. Dogs. Because dogs are dumbasses who bite their stitches from their surgeries and get infections. Jesus. **

**Anyway. Last chapter! Sorry for the late-ish update. My exams are literally less than a month away but if I don't finish this story RIGHT NOW, I won't be able to sleep at night. **

* * *

_M sucha dummie lolololol ! in d laste chappie i said arrow vs piper instead of arrow n piper vs d sue n stu lolololol sry :* nyways dis is d last chaptr gaiz! Thnx 4 stickin' wid it n sry 4 d wait! :*_

Dramatic music plays in the background as the scene gears itself towards the climax. Piper's staff is out, along with Aerrow's dual blades. No-one dares steal their true loves away from them. Dark Ace watches, silent and stunned. He's trying to pick an opponent. Jewel is in love with the Stu, and Aerrow is in love with Jewel. So who to fight? Ryan-Brady, or Aerrow? Finally, logic takes over. He can't take the Stu alone. He started this damn quest with the Storm Hawks, and that's how he's going to end it.

And then once they win, he's going to backstab Aerrow and get the girl. Piece of cake.

So Dark Ace stops thinking in present tense and started thinking in past tense because that's how the story has been told so far, if memory serves the Bad Writer correctly. (You see, the Bad Writer has a slight problem with being consistent about tenses. The Bad Writer appreciates if the Awesome Reviewers let her know about the tenses thing.)

Anyway.

Aerrow narrowed his eyes, regaining the dramatic tension that the Dark Ace's train of thought had gone and lost. "Back away from Jewel, you fiend," he roared.

"Ryan-Brady, get away from her!" Piper snarled.

Jewel's kaleidoscope eyes poured into Ryan-Brady's. "My luv" she whispered quietly, oblivious to the drama around her. Her soft, delicate hands went to his face. "Wher hav u been all my lyf[?"

Ryan-Brady closed his eyes and leaned into her touch. His wolf-like senses seemed to sharpen. "U smell"

'Wat?" she whispered, heart-beating. (I mean, what a mood-killer, right?)

The Stu's eyes shot open suddenly. 'u! i kno u! omg dis is weird!"

"Wat?" Jewel asked again, now sort of startled. She took a step back, and Aerrow lowered his weapons.

"Jewel?" Aerrow prompted.

"ur smell victoria! i reconise ur smell! Dnt u remembr? V usd 2 play 2gethr in the royal gardans?'

"Royal Gardens?" Stork questioned. Softly, though, so only Cyclonis could hear him. The evil dictator shrugged at him, equally confused.

"i…i dunno idk wht ur sayin' my luv' Jewel replied, looking at him, her eyes the size of clock faces.

Ryan-Brady groaned, his beautiful head falling to his beautiful palms. "thts wht I thougt…wen u were lyk 4 teh cylonians trieed 2 kil ur mom who was d screte keepr of trra Facepam…2 protet herself n u she went 2 liv wid sum frnd of hers i think he was her lover idk bt she left d roayl palace at d ny tym u n her was safe bt cylonas found her nyway n kidnaped her n u hd 2 liv on d street! V usd 2 play 2gether! Dnt u remebr!?' The Stu was getting more and more agitated with every word he spoke.

"Wait, hold up!" Stork cried, waving his hands in the air. "Royal palace? You used to play with her in the Royal Gardens?"

"Oh…" Cyclonis whispered quietly. "My grandmother had told me about this. Apparently, Terra Facepalm was a wonderful monarchy once. The queen used to be the secret keeper. My grandmother attacked the royal palace to get the secret, but that plan failed. The queen escaped, along with her young daughter, and disappeared…No-one knew where she went and she was never found." She was quiet, thinking. "But that happened years ago. If…I mean…If Jewel really is who I think she is, she'd need to be a few years older. The disappearance of the queen happened in my grandmother's time!"

Stork groaned. "Oh, cut the mystery. The readers have already guessed, okay? So what you're trying to say is that Jewel is the lost princess. Correct?"

"Yup, that's pretty much it," Cyclonis nodded slowly.

"I've heard that the people on Terra Facepalm age slower, Cyclonis," Piper ventured then. "It's one of those Magical-For-No-Reason-At-All sort of terras." Then, with betrayal in her eyes, "You didn't tell me you were from Terra Facepalm, Ryan-Brady!"

"m sry piper it slipped ma minde. Bt ur ryt ppl on terra Facepam age slower so im d same age as victoria-celine ur too yung 4 me"

"WHAT? So when we were on a date I'm the right age for you and once you see Miss Princess here, I'm not!?"

"ya pretty much sry"

"The Math really doesn't add up," Stork muttered darkly. "I don't know…Cyclonis, when did your grandmother attack that Terra?"

"When she was my age. So, when she was about twenty."

"Alright. How old are you, Jewel?"

Jewel blushed because she was that annoying. Her new boyfriend stepped in for her. "its rude 2 ask a grl her age!'

"Oh shut it, Stu," Stork muttered.

'its ok m 17."

"Terra Facepalm years or Normal Years?"

"idk"

"Forget it, Stork. We're in a goddamn parody that's literally being made up on the spot. Besides, it involves Sues and Stus. You really think you're going to get a logical answer?" Surprisingly, the speaker of this little dialogue was Finn. Surprising because not only was he absolutely right, but he seemed to have broken out of the Sue-trance. "That's right. I'm out of Jewel's mind warp. Because I'm the Bad Writer's favourite character and I haven't gotten enough page-time in this story and that sort of pisses me off. So I thought, screw it! Jewel's not going to fall for me anyway. So I might as well get my head stuck on correctly." The Sniper Supreme took a breath. "Bottom line: Jewel's a missing princess of a magical terra. Cool. Now can we _please _get to the fight scenes? All this drama gets a bit boring after a while."

"Agreed," Aerrow muttered. Then he reached for his twin blades and attacked Ryan-Brady.

'nooooooooooooo!' Jewel yelled, but before she could attack Aerrow, she was beaten on the head with Piper's crystal staff.

"GET YOUR PAWS AWAY FROM RYAN-BRADY!"

"GETT URS AWAY FRM HIM HES MYNE!'

And then, with the boys, something similar was going on:

"Y SHUD VICTORA LYK U!?"

"BECAUSE I KNOW HOW TO PRONOUNCE HER NAME CORRECTLY!"

There was a lot of kicking and fighting. Ryan-Brady Dragonfire Sharktooth Hot Pants turned into a werewolf. Aerrow had to avoid getting bitten. _Princess _Victoria-Celine Starlight Rainbow Lavender Sexy Chick, who had long since gotten over her injuries sustained in Chapter One, started to battle Piper too. The Mary Sue successfully subdued the Storm Hawk.

But not for long.

"Oi! Jewel!" Cyclonis yelled. "This one's for Mr Snugglebuns!" and she zapped her with a deadly Yourscrewed Crystal.

"For the love of peace, Mr Snugglebuns _doesn't exist_," Stork groaned.

"I gotta trash-talk something, right?" was the Cyclonian Leader's response. Her attention was quickly diverted back to the Mary Sue, who seemed unfazed by the dangerous weapon's energy blast. Still, it was enough to make Jewel stumble, and it was in that spilt second that Piper regained her footing.

The sparkling werewolf was right in front of Dark Ace, battling Aerrow. The Cyclonian commander had his sword out. He glanced at the spectators: Stork, Cyclonis, Junko and Radarr. Junko was sharing some popcorn with Radarr. They seemed to be enjoying the show.

His attention went back to the battle. He really wanted to enter it, but he was waiting. Waiting for—as Captain Jack Sparrow would say—the opportune moment. He was going for a simple sneak attack but the Stu was ever-aware. He couldn't afford to tackle Ryan-Brady head-on. He'd die. Aerrow sure as hell looked near dead.

Finn took out his crossbow, a smirk on his face. He figured this was going to be his Big Moment in the story, so he decided to make the most of it. (He'd have to have a little chat with the Bad Writer later about why he got so little attention in this fic.) The sniper loaded his weapon and aimed at Ryan-Brady the Werewolf who was really _beating the fromage out of Aerrow_.

It was lame, really. All the Stu had to do was growl or something and Aerrow would groan dramatically and fall to the ground, looking bruised. The sparkling wolf didn't even need to bite him. Which was good. Finn would have killed himself if Aerrow ever became a glittering dog.

Anyway. He was looking for the right part of the werewolf to shoot at. He smirked. "Alright, Ryan-Brady. Time to get neutered."

And he fired.

Only…Ryan-Brady Dragonfire Sharktooth Hot Pants…um…he moved.

Dark Ace—who was standing behind the Stu—did not.

There was an unholy scream with a horrible cuss word.

Stork shook his head. "Censor it. Use 'Fromage' instead."

Finn almost dropped the crossbow. _I just shot Dark Ace in the balls. _

Cyclonis ran to her fallen commander. Then she shook her head. "You missed by a few inches, blondie."

"Oh. Well. Okay. That's good, I think…" Finn replied slowly.

"YOU'RE FROMAGING RIGHT IT'S GOOD!" Then, in a pitchier whine, "I'm gonna die…"

Cyclonis took out a Healer Crystal and fixed that problem right there. "Not any more, you won't. Just stay put for a bit. Yeah, lie down."

"Heh. Heh. Heh." Finn turned red. "I think I'll…go."

"You do that," Stork agreed, his voice dry and exasperated.

The dust settled. The battle resumed.

It was Piper verses a combined effort of Sue and Stu. Her two allies: Aerrow and Dark Ace, were too injured to fight. The girl's heart broke a little. Jewel and Ryan-Brady made such a good couple…Why? Why did Jewel have to take him away? The navigator shot Stork a look. Stork was always on her side.

As expected, the Merb made a face. And then he went to help her anyway. Stork started towards the Condor's controls. His baby, the airship, always had a few tricks up her sleeve. If fifty tonne airships had sleeves, that is.

But then, Cyclonis grabbed his shoulder. "Don't bother. I have an idea."

"An idea?" Stork questioned.

"Yes. Just give me a window and a megaphone. I need to make an announcement."

* * *

Piper was losing strength. From the corner of her eyes, she saw Stork and Cyclonis head up to the bridge together. Junko and Radarr were too preoccupied cheering for Jewel to get off their butts and help Piper out. As though from a distance, she heard a racket like someone was speaking through a microphone.

That's when an army in red and black burst through the remnants of the Condor's hangar doors.

* * *

'Cylonians!" Jewel shrieked. "cylonian talonz!"

The annoying lovers were grossly outnumbered. The sparkling werewolf fought off as many as he could but even he couldn't curb the relentless onslaught of Cyclonians.

It seemed, all was lost.

* * *

"You, my friend, are amazing," Stork exclaimed as he watched the sea of Talons invade his ship.

"I figured they'd have woken up from their trance slumber. Remember? The one the Sue gave them in Chapter Two? By singing?"

"I remember."

"We have _so _got to team up in other stories. This is just gold."

"Agreed," Cyclonis replied with a smirk. "Maybe…just maybe, we could have a Storklonis crack pairing."

The Merb looked at the evil dictator. "Do not ever try to come on to me again. You're horrible at it."

"Alright. Fine. Sorry."

* * *

Piper was plastered to the hangar wall. The Talons seemed only interested in attacking Jewel and the werewolf. What a jerk! She was DONE with dating Gary Stus. For life. Ugh.

Jewel, on the other hand, was scared. She was not scared for her life, obviously. She was terrified that her gorgeous new boyfriend was going to injure himself protecting her. Darn it. Darn it. What a day. First getting beaten up by Cyclonians, then getting fixed up by and falling in love with Aerrow, then getting coerced into telling the secret, then meeting and falling in love with Ryan-Brady, finding out that she was a lost princess, and_ then _getting beaten up by Cyclonians again!

From somewhere deep inside of her, a fire burst forth. She was a Mary Sue princess. She could do anything. Anything.

Anything…

"ahhhhhhHHHHH!nhh!" she screamed. Jewel was glowing pink, emitting an ancient magic spell. She felt power in her. Power! The ever-changing hue of her eyes was now fixated on white gold. She was energy. She leaked of it. And this bright pink magic was going to destroy all her enemies!

But she was getting tired. "COMNE ON MY LUV!' she yelled, and was glad when she realised that Ryan-Brady and transformed back into a human with pure shock of seeing his girlfriend using her newfound powers. They clasped hands. Many Cyclonian Talons were either dead or unconscious before her but you could never be too sure…

_Takk us oute of here magik piwer! _She ordered herself. _Sumwher safe whre v cn stay happie 4eva! _

Piper, Junko, Radarr and a barely conscious Dark Ace, watched in horror. (Aerrow barely stirred through the whole thing but then, he'd taken quite a beating and was out cold.)Before their very eyes, Jewel and Ryan-Brady disappeared.

They just disappeared into a beam of pink light. They were never to be seen in the Storm Hawks universe ever again.

When Stork and Cyclonis ran back down to the hangar, Cyclonis sighed when she saw the bodies of her men. She exchanged numbers with Stork, much to Piper's chagrin. Aerrow eventually recovered from his ordeal. So did Dark Ace, though he never got over his fear of snipers, or anyone who could shoot long-range. This destroyed his relationship-of-sorts with Ravess, and made Finn's already swollen head bloat to unimaginable sizes. Junko and Radarr never truly got over Jewel. But could anyone really move on from her? Piper successfully established the Mary Sues Anonymous to help people recover from their encounters with Sues or Stus. She opened this facility to characters from all fandoms.

And what of Victoria-Celine and Ryan-Brady, you may ask? Well. They got their wish. They ended up in a place where they could be happy for ever. And, my dear readers, the only place where people are happy forever, is…

* * *

"Tell me again, Snow White, what happened?"

"Well, Rapunzel and I were doing each other's hair when we heard a knock. So Rapunzel was all, 'Let me throw my hair down the window!' and I was all, 'don't be stupid, I spent two hours braiding that!' and I went to open it and this weird _thing _was there with the most handsome guy I have ever seen. I totally fell in love with him. But this _thing—"_

"Thing?"

"Yes, Grumpy. I think it was a female but it was too beautiful and strangely annoying to be sure."

"It's called a Mary Sue, Snow White," Rapunzel said as she played with her hair. "They're future versions of us."

"Oh, are they?"

"Yeah."

"So anyway, they come, they ask for directions to the nearest town and that handsome guy turned unto a sparkling wolf."

"He turned into an animal? Like Belle's husband? Beast?" Grumpy the Dwarf questioned.

"Yup," Snow White said. "Anyway, they must be long gone by now."

"For the last time," Grumpy muttered, "Don't open the door to strangers. Remember the time with the poisoned apple?"

"Yes, yes, Grumpy!"

The trio went back to their lives, oblivious for the moment, of a brewing danger:

_Attack of the Sue 2: A Land Far, Far Away. _

Releasing shortly.

_WERE dooooonnneeeee :D m so happy thanx 4 readin r&r!_

* * *

**A/N: That was a joke. There will be no sequel to this story. And it will not be set in a Land Far, Far Away! XD (By the way, I hope the ending wasn't hard to understand :/)**

**Writing this fic has been a joy. I've never had this much fun writing anything before. And it's also been a learning experience, believe it or not. I have realised that parodies are awesome to write, and I've picked up on some tricks on how to write them. You guys HAVE to try writing your own parodies. You'll love it. **

**I want to thank all my wonderful reviewers. Thanks for sticking with this story all the way. It's a great feeling to see familiar pen-names commenting on each chapter. It's touching that you guys follow it so closely. Thanks. **

**I won't be putting up anything else until April. So I guess I'll see you guys then. Goodbye! :) **


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